Vogon Poetry

Vogon Poetry is of course the 3rd worse in the universe, those of you who have read ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ will know that.

On May 25th, which is ‘Towel day’ on which Adams fans pay tribute to his life and his work by carrying a towel everywhere with them (knowing where your towel is, is one of the most important things a person can know afterall…) we are hosting the ‘Geek Pride quiz night’ at The West Gate in Bath.

People are encouraged to dress up for the event in a geek/nerd/sci-fi inspired costume, and we will be hosting a pub quiz with a geek/science-y theme. However, as an addition, and as a token of respect for Douglas Adams we will be hosting a Vogon Poetry contest.

Vogon Poetry is terrible. Really, it is. It’s not bad because it’s sloppily or lazily written, it’s bad because it is painful to the ears and makes you want to stab your eyes out, while rhyming slightly. You may never have written Vogon Poetry before (and let’s face it, why on EARTH would you?!) so we’ve included some examples below to get your creative juices flowing.

Submissions to the poetry contest must be sent in advance (even if you’re planning to write something, but haven’t yet) so that we can ensure we schedule in time for you to read out the vile you write. The best (or worst) Vogon inspired poem will win a prize.

The BBC have a ‘Vogon Poetry generator’ available here. If you are stuck for ideas you could use it to generate a poem and then build on what the generator provides…

Email us at bathskeptics@gmail.com or tweet us to let us know you have a poem prior to May 20th. We will try to squeeze last minute submissions in on the night if possible.

Written by ‘Anonymous Gas Man’, brace yourselves….

BURP

You are there for me to relieve my distension,
you comfort me after I ingest those greesy treats.
You are loud,yet gentle with a mild discharge,
a discharge so sweet,that reigns in my throat.
Oh burp,oh burp,my upper eruptions are defined by you,
my lower eruptions,the great farts,are nothing,
nothing but a poor excuse for a burp.
As you make way through my bowel,guided by your density,
as you explode upon encountering the rigid pharynx,
making me drool and giving my tongue the ability to trill,
I value the every molecule of your gaseous body.
Oh burp,oh burp,it is you,and only you.
I yearn for the moment to drink a big gulp,
without a single breath,without a second of rest,
to witness your formation in my unworthy gastric cavity,
to feel you emerge through my insides,
I will close my eyes as you make my lips say that one word,
your name,your sound,your essence.
Burp.

Here’s… here’s another one.

By Tanith L’Fuzzymonster

Ode 10101111000101010011001101011101010001 to pOTATO oF sNORK

Fnorkel purrs to thy gribbling wheezes,
Thy fervulent glorps, thy schmalcendent sneezes;
Fnorkel giggles at the gurpiest of fnorks,
Fnorkelish fnorks, and rapschilious sporks;
The purplified lost souls of poinks.

Thy peeling grawps offend my delicate xylophone of spam,
Yet I find my begurpled soul letting loose a barbaric YAWP
As Fnorkel continues to purr, and sneeze,
At thy defunkdified churgle.

Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles!
Throbbing, pulsing ventricles!
Mucus-oozing pores, and frightful misquotes!
Pardon my infin/SPLIT/itive, while I recover
From glurfishly poor attempts to poke
Small, fninkel-wrought porks into Lewis Carroll poetry.

Like a summer throughout which all of my
Fninkle-flavored ice-cream-cones
Melt with a glurpssshhhhiiiiiiinkish sound.
While I snorfingly attempt to lick them!

So, we hope that inspires you (?) to get writing!

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One Comment

  1. Slightly whitish on top
    A greyish cable out the front
    A bit greyish on the bottom too
    And a greyish scrolling wheel
    But lo! Underneath I see
    A reddish laser light

    If I need to move around
    I push you side to side
    All that is controlled by
    The reddish laser light
    But if I want to go up and down
    I use the greyish scrolling wheel

    And as yet I have not covered
    The two whitish buttons
    When I want to select something
    I use the whitish left one
    If I need to use a submenu
    I use the whitish right one

    The greyish USB connection
    Is totally USB compliant
    I place it in the USB port
    And it talks to my blackish computer
    Although it is not totally blackish
    As the top of it is reddish
    The reddish of the top
    Is the same reddish as the laser

    The screen is sometimes blackish
    Unless the computer is on
    Then it can be a multitude of colours
    Whitish
    Greyish
    Reddish
    Blueish
    Purpleish
    Orangeish
    Yellowish
    Greenish
    Scarletish
    Pinkish
    Beigeish
    Aquamarineish
    Tangerineish
    Bronzeish
    Magentaish
    Sepiaish
    Violetish
    Goldish
    Amethystish
    Brownish
    Cyanish

    Often using the whitish left button
    I can change the colour on the screen
    I can also sometimes do this
    Using the greyish scroll wheel
    As it goes up and down
    The colour on the screen might change

    Can I predict the next colour?
    Not always it depends
    But I know that if I look down
    I will see the same thing

    Slightly whitish on top
    A greyish cable out the front
    A bit greyish on the bottom too
    And a greyish scrolling wheel
    And underneath I see
    A reddish laser light
    The two whitish buttons
    And the greyish USB connection

    Sometimes I don’t want to
    See the same old thing
    So I just look on the screen
    Who knows what I will see?

    Whitish
    Greyish
    Reddish
    Blueish
    Purpleish
    Orangeish
    Yellowish
    Greenish
    Scarletish
    Pinkish
    Beigeish
    Aquamarineish
    Tangerineish
    Bronzeish
    Magentaish
    Sepiaish
    Violetish
    Goldish
    Amethystish
    Brownish
    Cyanish

    Reply

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