Vogon Poetry is of course the 3rd worse in the universe, those of you who have read ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ will know that.
On May 25th, which is ‘Towel day’ on which Adams fans pay tribute to his life and his work by carrying a towel everywhere with them (knowing where your towel is, is one of the most important things a person can know afterall…) we are hosting the ‘Geek Pride quiz night’ at The West Gate in Bath.
People are encouraged to dress up for the event in a geek/nerd/sci-fi inspired costume, and we will be hosting a pub quiz with a geek/science-y theme. However, as an addition, and as a token of respect for Douglas Adams we will be hosting a Vogon Poetry contest.
Vogon Poetry is terrible. Really, it is. It’s not bad because it’s sloppily or lazily written, it’s bad because it is painful to the ears and makes you want to stab your eyes out, while rhyming slightly. You may never have written Vogon Poetry before (and let’s face it, why on EARTH would you?!) so we’ve included some examples below to get your creative juices flowing.
Submissions to the poetry contest must be sent in advance (even if you’re planning to write something, but haven’t yet) so that we can ensure we schedule in time for you to read out the vile you write. The best (or worst) Vogon inspired poem will win a prize.
The BBC have a ‘Vogon Poetry generator’ available here. If you are stuck for ideas you could use it to generate a poem and then build on what the generator provides…
Email us at email@example.com or tweet us to let us know you have a poem prior to May 20th. We will try to squeeze last minute submissions in on the night if possible.
Written by ‘Anonymous Gas Man’, brace yourselves….
You are there for me to relieve my distension,
you comfort me after I ingest those greesy treats.
You are loud,yet gentle with a mild discharge,
a discharge so sweet,that reigns in my throat.
Oh burp,oh burp,my upper eruptions are defined by you,
my lower eruptions,the great farts,are nothing,
nothing but a poor excuse for a burp.
As you make way through my bowel,guided by your density,
as you explode upon encountering the rigid pharynx,
making me drool and giving my tongue the ability to trill,
I value the every molecule of your gaseous body.
Oh burp,oh burp,it is you,and only you.
I yearn for the moment to drink a big gulp,
without a single breath,without a second of rest,
to witness your formation in my unworthy gastric cavity,
to feel you emerge through my insides,
I will close my eyes as you make my lips say that one word,
your name,your sound,your essence.
Here’s… here’s another one.
By Tanith L’Fuzzymonster
Ode 10101111000101010011001101011101010001 to pOTATO oF sNORK
Fnorkel purrs to thy gribbling wheezes,
Thy fervulent glorps, thy schmalcendent sneezes;
Fnorkel giggles at the gurpiest of fnorks,
Fnorkelish fnorks, and rapschilious sporks;
The purplified lost souls of poinks.
Thy peeling grawps offend my delicate xylophone of spam,
Yet I find my begurpled soul letting loose a barbaric YAWP
As Fnorkel continues to purr, and sneeze,
At thy defunkdified churgle.
Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles!
Throbbing, pulsing ventricles!
Mucus-oozing pores, and frightful misquotes!
Pardon my infin/SPLIT/itive, while I recover
From glurfishly poor attempts to poke
Small, fninkel-wrought porks into Lewis Carroll poetry.
Like a summer throughout which all of my
Melt with a glurpssshhhhiiiiiiinkish sound.
While I snorfingly attempt to lick them!
So, we hope that inspires you (?) to get writing!